Katerina Motovska, Czech Minister of Defence
National Defence Commission (NDC), Special Forces Command (SFC), Special Unit C102: PSYOPS, The Inner Circle (ICE), General Staff of the Czech Army, Military-Industrial Complex, Wu Corporation
Local Forest Administration, Vonoklasy area (Prague-West region)
Unacceptable behavior of local squirrels, jeopardizing Czech national security and critical military operations of highest state interests
as there are several extremely important military operations around Vonoklasy area pending nowadays, in the name of Czech national security and highest interest of state defence, including deployment of the elite Special Forces against omnipresent terrorist archenemy of the free world, NATO and EU…
It has come to my attention, that operational security of these covert actions of utmost importance for the safety of Czech citizens is widely jeopardized by local squirrels, who permanently try to disrupt the pending security activities, bothering military personnel in many ways, including biting them and scratching them with claws, getting in the way, jumping on the soldiers unexpectedly from the trees, even disrupting electronic surveillance equipment and motion sensors, eating plastic insulation of the cables, spoiling installed booby traps, set up against incoming enemy…
And these dangerous pests are even suspected to execute surveillance against the Czech military assets, providing Intelligence to the enemy, as they show unusual interest in communications, tactics and weaponry of the elite soldiers of the Czech Army, even attempting to steal classified military equipment, including food rations, critical for maintaining high combat performance of our human assets in the battlefield.
I have to warn you with utmost seriousness, that if this behavior won’t be corrected by your forest employees immediately, and these subversive animal activities won’t cease at once, an executive action against these pests will be taken, using military-grade kinetic assault weaponry, devastating munitions, dangerous toxins and powerful poisons, without regards to the animal welfare, as any hesitation in the matter could cost thousands of lives of Czech citizens in the end.
The Ministry of Defence is willing to provide a ton of best-quality nuts for free, paid by the state budget and taxpayers money, to lure the animal pests elsewhere from the region… but if this ‘good way’ will fail, there will be no other choice, than to terminate the squirrel populace in the whole territory with extreme prejudice, to avoid any further unacceptable, intolerable disturbances of our secret operations.
Thank you for cooperation in the matter of special state importance.
Minister of Defence
REPLY by Forest Administration:
Dear Mrs. Minister,
cordial greetings from Vonoklasy to Prague!
We, your humble servants, are very pleased, that the local animals made it so far, that even Ministry of Defence perceives them as a threat to national security, except terrorists!
Anyway, after meeting with the representatives of the local squirrel community, we report obediently, that the squirrels were deeply pleased by your generous gift, and they are sending you a very serious message:
If you will send such a package of goodies every week, and if you will invite them to a VIP meeting on highest political level, taking place at the Ministry of Defence building, combined with a banquet, to provide guarantees, protection and assurance for them, plus luxurious transport to get there (and back), they are willing to cooperate with the state authorities properly, and to behave like responsible Czech citizens.
Please, come to visit our beautiful forests, to relax from your demanding work in the interest of us all, humans and squirrels alike!
(unreadable signature, like if written by an illiterate, or with an animal paw)