Estrogen Mafia Training (26): Love Means To Let Go

Love means everything for us humans, and everybody could tell interesting stories about it. About all that unforgettable moments, when your heart is beating wildly and you look into his eyes, so deep and attracting and magical, promising bright mutual future, full of happiness, to the end of days. But on the contrary, if you don’t manage matters of love, deep emotions of bitterness, disappointment and emptiness occur, and your life is out of its common order even for long time.

But that is the right time to think about your approach and stances. A mistake happened somewhere in your dream – not that second person hurt you, we hurt ourselves by our wrong judgements and projecting illusions into our reality. Is there somebody spiritual, who can bring us back to the road of hope again?

One of the best known figures of local folklore in Prague-Liben city quarter is a common electrician named Ferda, but half playfully called “The Priest”. His unique Friday storytelling sessions in “Three Sisters Pub” gained wide public fame, and even the famous Charles University scholars visit this pub regularly, when Ferda’s lectures are taking place. This attraction makes locals so proud, they feel, that Liben is contributing to the public culture and national heritage, and their peripheral quarter is famous once again.

Ferda’s alleged priesthood has much closer to Quentin Tarantino, than to any church. Without any classical education, Ferda gained his wide knowledge by watching many trash movies, and reading cheap paperback literature. But it seems, that he is able to extract the right information even from those questionable sources. And he can connect the relations in the world pretty well – at least the steady guests of the pub claim it, and he has many devoted listeners always, and even faithful followers.

But he keeps his distance from the wordly people, as a right man of faith – and that is another reason, why they respect him as somebody special, who can provide good advices, by sharing information and even his own experience. And love is not excluded!

It was shortly before Valentine’s Day, that imported feast, which the merchants tried to promote systematically, to have larger business profits from the persons in love. Liben definitely ignored this modern Western propaganda, but even there, some emissaries of the new establishment arrived. Like that moron, who challenged Ferda to say something about love…

People around looked at him angrily, and somebody fiery even kicked this culprit. Doesn’t he know, that Ferda was left by his long-time girlfriend not long time ago? It was not fair to remind it to him, so locals usually avoided any love themes during talks with their preacher.

But Ferda was in good mood that day, so he didn’t close his soul. He only deeply inhaled, and a big smile emerged on his wise, noble face.

“Love is such a good thing,” he said with emotion. “Before I started this personal journey of faith, I also lived in this dreamy realm, where feelings, desires and dreams ruled. Of course, that today, when I look back, I see a lot of weakness and undesirable dependence on others, and this traits are not acceptable for me any more. Balance is needed – maybe it’s not as exciting, as love, but it gets you farther, if you want to explore the world. Some can afford this luxury, but I rather hold back. As anybody, I also had some bad experiences. But I learned many substantial things.

As you all probably know, my long-time girlfriend left, to pursue some fashion career in Dubai, as a fashion model. Well, it was quite a surprise for me. I was planning a family with her, and suddenly, all plans and dreams were turned into ash.

But I was realistic – that generous plans were just an illusion. And those things need two people to accomplish always. If one side changes her mind – all ends. This feature of love scares many, because it reminds them ruthlessly, that they have no control in this matter. That second person also has her personal agenda, dreams and desires. And if she knows, that you are not a person who can fulfill them – she goes.

And you? It’s in your best interest, to let her go. Not to try to hold her, to stop her. You would only make everything worse for yourself.”

“But I hear everywhere, that you should fight for your love, against all circumstances,” somebody around objected. “Isn’t that a contradiction?”

“The nature doesn’t like any fighting, friend! Have a look at a river, or a creek. It just flows, peacefully, and still, it reaches its destination for sure! Who fights, this person will suffer. Maybe you can win sometimes, but the consequences will be serious, because you attach to a person too much. And it takes away your freedom. Not the world, but you let yourself to be confined. Then, when you will lose this person, you will suffer thousand times more!

If she left, she was not meant for you. Let her go. If you love her, let her find her happiness, let her pursue her dreams. Don’t judge them, don’t say that she will fail anyway – just let her go, and concentrate on your own mission. Stay happy.

I did this mistake only once, to attach deeply to my own illusions, and I feel very deep disappointment and bitterness to this day. It’s not important, that our affair failed, it happens all the time. The problem was, and only my guilt was, that I let my weak side to be attached to unspoken promises and unfulfilled desires too much. But she was not a person who could become the love of my life. She was just another insecure soul as many of us, with many internal fights still unresolved, she couldn’t provide me what I wanted and needed, but my hungry mind was persuaded, that she is the one!

I created a phantom in my mind, who promised everything, and I believed to this silly illusion for some time. I feel so ashamed… even today! Yeah, we are all humans, we make mistakes… but in this matter, friends, to be honest… this is one of the few moments, when I literally despise myself, to be so horribly weak, dumb, naive and silly! How could I become a loser like this?

It was like, when you visit a car dealership with preowned cars. You see a car there, and you fall in love instantly. You are so naive to ignore some warning facts about this particular purchase, because you have this feeling suddenly, that this crap will make you happy, exactly this! And you have to own it! You are captivated… your mind created an illusion, and your body starts to pursue it, by buying, to follow that intimate dream of happiness and deepest connection possible between two souls.

And this must have consequences. The car breaks up soon, the girl turns out to be a different person than you thought… well, and that is the right time, to let go!

She is far away now, I can’t even remember her face… but she reminds me this dubious blessing I kept after her departure from my life. Those bad feelings, lowering self-esteem… Fortunately for me, I discovered a perfect cure for this!

Next time, friends, when you will meet someone and you will start to lose your healthy judgement, find the nearest water supply, and insert your passionate head under the cold stream of water! You will be cured instantly, I promise you that!”

The crowd just sighed. “Ferda, you are the most ingenious person of the whole Liben, it’s fully confirmed fact now! You just invented a miraculous cure for many human problems!” somebody said with appreciation.

“Do it, before another cold streams will fill you: shame, bad memories and regrets,” Ferda instructed them, and he fell silent for a moment. contemplating about his past mistakes.

“Run away, if you have to! But don’t allow them to enter your dreams. You won’t liberate your dreams so easily… they will haunt you even months and years later!

Just several days ago, I had a really unpleasant dream about a person I lost many years ago. It was so detailed! Like if she would be here again, annoying my life again, because this love couldn’t be fulfilled, ever!

This year, she turns 40… we met, when she was 33, seven years ago. The time runs so fast… and my mind still couldn’t let her go, it seems! Have a look at me, how weak I am! And she was never intended to be a love of my life! I can’t afford a person like her, who would steal all my balance and inner peace. I would give her anything, except those two values! And she is a predator, she takes all… her own insecurity can turn into a really efficient weapon to conquer your soul!

Women are full of riddles, and they can attract you to try to solve them. But remember, by entering their world, if you let yourself to be dragged in, if you get involved, a new set of rules is applied, and the stakes are going high. I think that I left a part of myself inside her soul, and when she left, she took it from me… and now, my soul and body are missing this lost part, searching for it unconsciously in my dreams! I let her to mark me!

Was I too emotional? Maybe. Too weak? Definitely. Too naive? Possibly. But she didn’t hurt me – I did it. And now, I am searching for a way outside this mess. I don’t want to dream about her again, it’s useless and painful. I want to have my mind free, you know, so she can be fulfilled with that new love I will meet one day!

As you can see, we all still have much to learn about life and ourselves. But they say, that if you admit a problem, it’s half solved.

Maybe I will have to run away from here, where everything reminds me her, and many others I met, had and lost. I know, it sounds cowardly, but this is the last possibility I keep directly on my heart as an ultimate solution of my own emotional problems. What can you do, if the walls of your world start to be too tight? You pack your stuff and leave, to find happiness somewhere else, where your eyes will see only new pictures and you can start a new, fresh and pure chapter there, from the beginning, without permanent looking back.

And you know, friends, I should do this bold step long time ago! I was too passive, dumb, naive… again! Maybe the problem is not in the other people, but in my own and lasting immaturity, or I am overthinking things too much. Life is simple, but I complicate it with my assumptions. But this all has to end finally!

I saw in a movie, where some female High Priestess slapped one of her followers on his forehead, and she said: “Don’t think! Feel!”

Maybe it’s the right time to follow this good advice, and to make myself finally free,” Ferda concluded his speech. And it was the definitive end of the session. Nobody heard another word from Ferda for the rest of the evening.

But everybody around had somethink to think about. Or better, to release their minds peacefully by drinking another beers…

Alan Svejk - alansvejk@alansvejk.com

alansvejk@alansvejk.com