Svejk Goes To McKinley Corporation by Alan Svejk

We daily read many good advices, how to be successful during job interviews, but still, we fail often. But there are also people, who use another, unexpected and highly efficient approach to get a job in a dreamy corporation. Their methods are unusual, but as you will see in the following example, their dream job can become a reality, because they are able to persuade the HR personnel about their unique value in the crowd of hungry workforce.

Svejk Goes To McKinley Corporation by Alan SvejkMany people dream to be the employees of famous McKinley corporation, for example, but to sell yourself, to persuade the opposite side, that she MUST hire YOU, is the real magic. If you want more – you have to do more, than just to memorize the common questions during interview. Read, how one original protagonist solved this everlasting issue!

New York, Wall Street, McKinley Headquarters, HR department conference

“There is one more important matter we should discuss in this meeting,” the HR director said with serious face. “We were advised by our Internal Affairs department, that this particular case needs a special attention and close examination.

Here is, what just happened. Our Prague subsidiary received an application for employment by a slightly questionable person, to be courteous. This individual alerted our internal security processes, and we should decide, how to solve this possible tiny crisis, which could jeopardize our business operations and damage our reputation abroad.

Of course, we could ignore this application completely, as we do often, to protect the self-confidence of applicants, to save them from rejection and bad feelings. However, in this special case, this method seems not suitable.

According to our internal Intelligence report, Mr. Josef Svejk could be somehow connected with certain high structures of power and influence. He declares himself, that he directly participated in a special military operation, and allegedly, he almostreceived the highest state medal for his alleged brave efforts and alleged valor, as an experienced Special Forces operator.

Our Surveillance data confirm, that Mr. Josef Svejk really maintains some closer connections with high-ranked military officers, during regular pub sessions on Friday evenings. So this statement could be, in fact, even true. Moreover, the NSA intercepted the fragment of his voice communication, where he declares… let me quote:”

“… tomorrow, all doormen on Wall Street will greet me as a business nobility, friend! That´s what will happen, and nothing can stop this event. Hallo, waiter! One more round of drinks here, and quickly! I want to celebrate my inevitable business success! I was born to conquer the Wall Street, my famous Grandpa was also a very capable accountant, so we have this undisputed talent for the biggest financial transactions in our famous family! And who disagrees with me, who doubts about my special skills – just dare and tell me that rude statement into my eyes of the eagle! I am telling you, my beloved pub friends, and you can bet on me: soon, that McKinley kings will literally beg me to come to America and to help them with their complicated business affairs! They are amateurs anyway, and no Harvard university degress can change that…”

Everybody in the conference room smiled to this insolence, but the HR director kept his face concentrated. “As you could hear, it´s obvious, that Mr. Svejk plans some big offensive into the structures of high business. And I am afraid, that he chose, unfortunately, our corporation to make a big international business career.

Although he seems as an intellectually weaker person, his determination should be considered as an substantial factor. In other words, it is in our best interest to develop the relations with this individual very cautiously and gently, otherwise he will be an unpleasant nuisance to our Prague office. Our Czech colleagues already reported, that he started to visit local pubs systematically, and he announces publicly, that the beginning of his alleged new big career lies in the direction of our local administrative building. Each time he meets somebody in a suit around, he asks annoying questions about our internal HR processes and business operations, allegedly to be better prepared to the interview in our corporation.

So, we should decide, how to advance further, and how to solve this sensitive situation. I suggest personally, to consider the employment of Mr. Svejk as the matter of diversity and Corporate Social Responsibility. After all, we declare daily to the world, how is the team diversity important… so maybe the simple nature of Mr. Svejk could be even beneficial for us. Instead of complicated thinking, he could in fact help us with some riddles, just by providing an alternative point of view.

The remaining problem is his possible connection with the Military Counterintelligence structures, with an unknown depth. There is a courageous and even silly theory, that the local security forces could be trying to infiltrate our corporation by the most advanced means, but not sending some highly-educated and skilled operators with university backgrounds, like in the past, but exactly the contrary, very simple and inconspicuos persons, which obviously exclude the possibility of any connection with the Intelligence community, and there is another crucial advantage, that only them could be able to surpass our advanced internal defence measures to prevent any attempts of corporate espionage, including the lie detector and PSY means.

We think, that this substantial change in the overall infiltration strategy should not be underestimated. We face many security challenges daily, and this approach of the opposite side could be completely new, and that means risky. So I suggest to study it, and to invent some suitable countermeasures for any such future attempts. Security is always important, people, you know that well, and we have to be attentive to any new developments, like this one.

In conclusion, we decided to admit Mr. Josef Svejk to the interview in our company, and we will send our best HR assets to sustain any challenge, which could arise during this negotiation. All key personnel in our Prague branch are on full alert and we will deal with this situation with full attention to all possible consequences and scenarios.”

“And what position do you want to offer to this questionable applicant, Mr. Director? I think that his low professional qualities and zero education completely exclude him from placing in our Global Business Development department, as he suggests totally impertinently!”

“Considering his special background and possible unknown connections, we will provide something special for him, to keep him far away from our internal business secrets. So stay calm, people – he won´t get close to our precious data, and the accounting department will be completely off limits for him. Any direct intervention of this fool could be fateful for any corporation…”

“Welcome, Mr. Svejk. It´s so nice to meet you in person,” the female HR assistant of McKinley smiled at Josef Svejk, who came to the interview dressed in a horribly unfitting vintage suit from 1996, when he attended the local ball in his home quarter, Prague-Liben, but of course, he spent the whole event at the bar with his buddies, and no present woman could dream about a single romantic dance with this locally famous figure.

The women, attending the ball, full of desire for an unforgettable romance he could provide to them, they tried hard, using all female means and tricks, but Svejk resisted forcibly to any attempts, that he can´t allow his drink to “lose freshness”.

“Pleasure is mine, madam,” Svejk smiled with his round face, with stuffed cheeks and soft blue eyes, which really didn´t resemble an alleged Special Forces operator, as he declared about himself in the CV.

“So, Mr. Svejk – you have very interesting resume. We are really glad to meet you here, because we are completely persuaded by your wide experience and varied work history, that you can be a real asset for our worldwide business operations,” the HR assistant flattered.

“Your good feeling about me is absolutely right,” Svejk confirmed with exaggerated pride. “I think that I can be a real blessing for your business success. And I can prove it to you very easily. Just ask me any question, and I know all the answers. Nothing can catch me off my eternal intellectual guard!

And how nice office you have! I really like it here, fresh flowers everywhere, a water fountain in the lobby, everybody happy and smiling at me, very good atmosphere… I belong here, I feel it! I knew that from the start, and now, it is becoming the reality! You have to trust yourself, and to trust your company!

You know, madam, long time ago, I had a really bad attitude about my professional career. I was always blaming the world that it keeps me down, and I can´t show my real abilities, that I don´t get a right opportunity, because less qualified people steal them all from me. But you know what? Later, when I was more wise and mature, I realized, that not the world, but me myself is the element that keeps my down, in the undesirable position of a life loser! But in that happy moment, I understood the importance of positive thinking, and then, I started to plan my new big career, to start over, somewhere, where I will be satisfied, and my superiors will be glad to have ME in their star team!”

“That is so nice determination, Mr. Svejk! But listen, let´s move forward with the interview. We really have some questions to ask, you know the drill…”

“I am at your service, madam, and you have my full attention! I am here, I am present, and I am only yours. So, say it now!”

“OK. So, you state in your resume, that you participated in some important special military operation and you succeeded in saving some high values of the state. But we couldn´t find any record of your official integration in the Military structures. Can you please explain this slight contradiction to us, please?”

“The answer is simple, madam! If anyone says the magic word “special” in the security and military environment, it´s an euphemism for “covert”, “classified” and “secret”. So you can´t count with some official documents to support your claims. Moreover, the Military instructed me right in the beginning of our mutual cooperation with highly satisfying results, that they will organize this special operation with that famous Plausible Deniability approach, so they coldly declare today, that they don´t know you and they never met you, even if you were their best friend and colleague yesterday. Those are the basic rules of this special kind of work, I am afraid. And I, as a loyal servant of the state, fully respect them. So you can either believe me, or not.”

“You also declare, that you are almost a highly decorated SPECOPS operative. Please, can you explain, what that word almost mean? Excuse me, these military matters are strange to me, but I would say, that a man or woman is either decorated, or not decorated, and nothing can exist between these two possibilities…”

“The sad truth is,” Svejk replied with a tear in his honest eye,”that the same principle prevented me from getting the well deserved medal. The high military command indicated, that they can´t afford to decorate me, because they would have their name heavily damaged, because I am known as a person of a little questionable reputation, and it would put a shadow on our famous and great Military, if it would officially recognize an alleged fool and diligent drinker like me.

But let me assure you, that those are only envious slanders and groundless rumors, not truthful at all! I visit pubs sometimes, yes, but only to do some professional networking and to meet new good people, who can be useful for my future career! Of course, that I can´t sit there with a glass of water, I would exclude myself from their good companionship… but I just do everything necessary to improve my soft skills, including the strictly limited consumation of some liquid refreshment!”

“Speaking of your career, Mr. Svejk… what is your qualification, actually? You wrote in your CV, that you are in fact a salesman of electronic appliances, so I am astonished, what makes you think, that the Global Business Development department is the right professional destination for you?”

“Well, madam,” Svejk was suddenly happy and he shined, “the sales business is the same everywhere. No matter if you sell shoes or ideas, if you are a good saleswoman, you will be successful everywhere! It´s just about persuading people to buy, and I can make it perfectly. Believe me, that I could sell a refridgerator to a family living in the Antarctica, but not only that! They would yet thank me for offering them a perfect solution to solve their needs, so our mutual business relationships will grow and they will be stable and lasting, so the customers will come next year to me again, to buy a new, improved model of refridgerator, with an integrated lemonade maker and a digital clock!”

“That is a courageous statement, Mr. Svejk! Could you prove your selling skills, please?”

“Of course, with pleasure,” Svejk stood happily, and took a pen with the company logo from the table.

“My dear customers,” Svejk started his presentation with smile and optimism in his voice, “this unique device allows you to write down all your best thoughts, so you can improve your own personality, just by realizing, how good and talented you are.

We all have to respect ourselves, but thoughts come and disappear so fast from our minds… but this perfect device can save your best ideas, so tomorrow, you can use them for your self-improvement and also for developing your next career!

For example, have you ever dreamed of being a famous writer, or a screenplay author, beloved in the Hollywood? With our special product, the way to your success is open widely! Can you feel, how close is the opportunity, which can change your life?

Start now, start building your personal brand and your life artistic creation, and I assure you, that in several months, you can be a king or a queen in your professional branch! And remember, the filling of this beautiful and carefully made device will last for one full year, so you will have enough time to make the best version of youself, to create what you were always intended to be… just by daily use of our magic equipment!

You are a very lucky person to be here, during this special promotion, because only today, we offer a special conditions to procure this piece of art! We like to help people, so we are glad to share our best inventions with the public! Believe me, our best engineers worked days and nights just to bring you the best support tool for your personal success!

The demand for this dreamy device is so high, that we had to hire a new large industrial plant to manufacture more, so more souls can be filled with happiness, but listen, your are special, so we now offer you a special conditions, how to obtain the Device yourself, and make all your wildest dreams come true! Hey, you could even meet a fateful love as a famous writer!

The price is rigid, one hundred dollars, and I can´t provide you any discount, because I don´t offer you a cheap stuff! But listen, just for today, I will add a luxurious gift wrapping free, so you can make another person happy, who means so much for you! I am telling you, show them your love, and make it today, because life is too short to hesitate! Our destiny here in life is love, and we would live uselessly just for ourselves! No, our mission is to connect our soul with another human being, and then you will find a treasure you were dreaming of so long!

For one hundred dollars, it´s in fact free, and I will not discuss it further! Remember, you should invest only in the things and values that matter. And does love matter? What do you say? YES, it matters the most, more than some cars or houses… live in the present moment and make someone happy, improve his or her life now!

Will you pay in cash or by a credit card, madam?” Svejk finished and handed the pen back to the HR assistant.

She barely breathed after this magnificent show. “Mr. Svejk, your unique performance persuaded us completely! With the immediate validity, we are nominating you as a salesman in our corporate canteen. By selling healthy salads instead of unhealthy junk food, by persuading our personnel to make the right choice for lunch, you can make our employees to be more capable in work, directly improving the overall financial results of our famous company! Your famous family and our corporation must connect together, to achieve many marvellous things! So, what do you say? I am sure, that you will say YES, and we will become colleagues!”

“Count me in,” Svejk said without any hesitation. “I will start with selling salads, but wait some time, and I will personally manage the Global Business Development department, nothing can stop me! Start cleaning a chair and a big table for me there! I want a corner office with the clear view to the Prague Castle, because one day, I will go there to fetch the medal for my Grandpa, a gallant soldier and a capable accountant! And I share this talent with him, so I am glad that you are giving me this life chance! Let´s start now, there is no time to waste, we are losing money by talking!

Where is that famous canteen of yours? I am heading there immediately, to study the business operations there, and I will start improving them at once, so your corporate treasures will grow, and you can raise my salary soon, and promote me higher…”

Wouldn´t any corporation worldwide love an employee like this?

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Alan Svejk

alansvejk@alansvejk.com